1. |
Reassured Doubt
01:37
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I find it hard to believe in anything.
In myself
In love
In Your love.
Even if i get past the hurtles of trusting you,
I don't know if I can believe you would love more than I do.
Which isn't much.
My imperfections reassure my doubt.
I can blame you for all the droughts.
Or at least think if you were really here
I wouldn't have anything to fear.
But you are everything I fear.
Existence or non-existence.
Forgiveness and unforgiveness.
Intent always inconsistent.
But I'm growing regardless
Under a canopy of doubt and loyalty,
You are the winter that casts down the trees.
You are the icy wind that unsettles me.
You blow right through me.
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2. |
I Don't Want To
05:32
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The sun goes down, and I get up.
Look at my hands what they've done.
Turn on the lamp and think of ways that I should've loved you
I didn't love you.
[Why do I do...I don't want to. I don't want to lose it all.
Due to the things I choose]
The sun goes down, and I get up.
Screaming at myself to remember who to trust
My aching desires starting fires that I can't put out.
Fueled by my doubts.
Is there something more satisfying.
Is there something greater on the otherside.
I'm killing myself every night.
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3. |
We Live, We Breathe
05:43
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We never talk about the dead bodies lounging around in our living rooms.
We buy alcohol to drown in.
We buy alcohol to cleanse our wounds.
You'd never find us making eye contact or really saying anything at all.
We utter, scream syllables but the meaning's always apathetic default.
We fear the shattering glass in our sun rooms. We want to see the sun but not breathe in the fumes.
Eventually life on the outside will touch us, and we'll feel violated while it's stealing our happiness exposing our hatred.
[We live. We breathe.(We Die.)]
We are blind. We can't see past our hands.
Only what they can grab.
And if you find what you really want, it will make your everything it will make your all.
It will take all of you.
What happens when good intentions aren't good enough.
When you see those decisions affect those that you love.
You'll fall back into your awkward silence.
You and your friends will forget it all.
The specter never leaves, tugging your puppet strings, orchestrating your leaps and falls.
I've been fighting the fact I was born a bloody mess lacking anything near perfectness.
My dreams fell short of anything that that made me feel that there is more to this life I claimed was all yours.
This life I made a personal whore. This life I claimed was yours.
My life was always in Your hands.
You are God and I am man.
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4. |
Sleep Running
06:08
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Looking at the floor.
Ceramic tiles cracked to the baseboards.
Knees red from praying hard.
Hardly saying anything.
[I'm dying for my dreams. Stay asleep for me. I don't know what happened, but I'm here now. Escape me in my dreams. Stay asleep for me. I'd rather run than heal, sleep running.]
Uttered moans and disgust.
Fluttered echoes against the rust.
I'd kill to care as much guilt I felt.
I feel nothing.
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5. |
Everything
09:13
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I don't need you to tell my I'm sick.
I couldn't cough out the lies.
My eyes are blurring. My ears cave in.
Something about going out with a whimper
not a bang.
I had the notion that life was in my hands,
but my palms were far to shallow
to contain a deluge of situations that leave me confused.
Drowning in this gift You gave, why would I give myself to You?
In a world that is perfection depraved.
(Could You be everything we are not?)
How am I supposed to think Your not the same.
(Could You be everything we are not?)
Are we to scarred to look You in the face.
(Could You be everything we are not?)
Am I too dead to hear You say, "I love you."
Could You be everything we are not?
Could You be everything?
I don't need you to tell me I'm sick.
I couldn't cough out the lies.
I don't know love, but I will in time.
I can be Your's and You can be all mine.
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6. |
Speak Softly
06:12
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I've seen you in every dream for the past few weeks.
I don't know if I'm healing, or if I'm being victimized.
The thoughts I once had still float around in my head.
My guilt and longing is the aftertaste of watching you die.
I don't if I'm healing or if I'm being victimized.
[Let go of the corpse. Its been dead for way too long.
It's making me ill. It's making us ill.]
You still talk to me through myself
Every story I recall, you make your home.
You still break me, and I wish you could just leave me be.'Cause all these things you do, you don't have to do to me.
Speak softly. Maybe these words won't sting.
You need to leave me. I'm okay alone, but your apathy breaks my bones
Speak softly. Maybe these words won't sting.
You'll never miss me, I am the passerby. I'm the dust in your mind. I'm the faint memory.
Speak softly, I swear my wounds will sing.
They scream and bleed everything you have taught me, creator of my misery.
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7. |
You Aren't Mine
09:17
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We were forced into this. We were the entertainment. I cursed their thirsty eyes soaking in our bodies. I knew I wasn't right for you, but I was addicted to your touch. I swore in the name of love, but love was never enough.
[I could always say I never wanted to be part of the system. I never wished this upon us, but I never fought them. And now I'm a monster, and I'll never see our child. You did the right thing, now run from me and never forget you aren't mine.]
Opening my eyes to see I was your tragedy. Waking every night wishing that this was all a dream. Letting go to pursue my love my dream. I'd never thought that I would be the monster that killed you and killed me.
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8. |
Come Back
06:42
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Okay fine, I'll try to spit out of my mouth.
The taste is so sweet, but we're all rotted out.
Wasting time stunting our own growth.
I'm so sick of being left behind and being alone.
I don't know why I push everyone away.
I try to fight myself but all I get is headaches.
You were right. I'm so tired. I just want to sleep.
My bloodshot eyes keep me up at night, everything they've seen.
I want to rip my mind out. It's killing me. It's killing everything.
It's a migraine, but it won't leave until I just vomit everything out of me.
Make me clean or at least empty.
Looking at me and seeing all I could be.
Disassociate from me.
I am losing everything.
Fighting myself, I'm drowning.
Disassociate from me.
Come back to me, my dreams.
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9. |
Silent Film
10:15
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Who was I five years ago, with nothing that I knew?
Trying to see past the walls I made before my youth.
So I sat there forgetting about the world that I couldn't understand.
And I never thought of anything until I fell upon the title of a man.
[Could You be enough to me? Could this please not be? Strolling in circles, I will walk with You; but then I'll push You away to be who I really am.
Cause I'd rather You not see the forest for the trees, the fruit of my bad seeds. Every memory I didn't care for is a silent film no sound, no will.]
Suddenly I realized my life was a narrative, and read myself bitter at life's way of taking things from your hands.
You're sold the possibility of life giving back to you. You dream yourself drunk. Until you wake up to find you're in bed alone, and your potentional was just a one night stand.
I gave my life to this one thing. To see it was imaginary. I'll never let hope in again. Do whatever gets you off because nothing is worth it.
I find I'm not who I want, despising all my childhood dreams.
But I will becoming something more than the flaws that comprise me.
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10. |
Sigh
06:12
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Think of when I'd try.
I had so much faith
The shine from my eyes
Blinds while it illuminates.
I laugh at myself there
maybe to keep back tears.
This isn't what I wanted
To become fears.
[This is a sigh for help.
I won't die, but I'm unsure
If I want a real life]
I've failed too many times.
You would think I never cared
Or at least not enough
No, not enough for you.
'Cause I bet your sick and tired of me never listening. I know what I've done. I know what You've given up to let me look You in the face even when I spit in it. Oh God, push me away. I've done the same to you.
This is a sigh for nothing, nothing in my eyes.
A soul that is tired, he whimpers goodnight.
I never gave the time.
To look myself in the eyes.
I think I 'd much rather
Sleep until I die.
But I'm sick of speaking lies.
My good intentions are few.
You are all I wanted,
But I rarely want You.
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11. |
Consume Me
05:27
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Could You be enough to me?
Could this please not be?
Strolling in circles, I will walk with You, but then I 'll push You away to be who I really am.
Is there something more satisfying?
Is there something great on other side?
I'm killing myself every night.
I feel this weight below my chest.
I feel You calling me back home.
Everything is pulling me back
To the apathy and selfish dreams.
Consume me..
{Could you be enough to me?
Could this please not be?}
{My aching desires starting fires that I can't put out.}
{Is there something more satisfiying? Is there something greater than the other side?
I'm killing myself every night.}
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12. |
Doubt Reassured
05:54
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I find it hard to believe in anything.
In myself
In love
In Your love.
Even if i get past the hurtles of trusting you,
I don't know if I can believe you would love more than I do.
Which isn't much.
My imperfections reassure my doubt.
I can blame you for all the droughts.
Or at least think if you were really here
I wouldn't have anything to fear.
But you are everything I fear.
Existence or non-existence.
Forgiveness and unforgiveness.
Intent always inconsistent.
But I'm growing regardless
Under a canopy of doubt and loyalty,
You are the winter that casts down the trees.
You are the icy wind that unsettles me.
You blow right through me.
Then I can't help but taste every lie and curse,
Every inclination to run or bury myself in the earth.
Despite everything I have and haven't heard,
You are my doubt reassured.
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From Dust To Beating Hearts Mc Pherson, Kansas
Post-pubescent post-rock.
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